Transcript of IGTV video 3rd June, 2020

I’m not expecting I got this right…

I’ve had so many emotions and thoughts hanging in my mind and body over the last few days. The best way I know how to release them is write it out. I had no intention of sharing what came from that. I had no intention of sharing my personal thoughts or add more noise to the black lives matter and Indigenous lives matter conversation. But after writing I realised I have a voice here, and if I share this perhaps I’ll reach one person or two with an alternative perspective that facilitates them doing the work to unpack their privilege and biases. Checking my own privilege is a privilege in itself I’m realising. Having the space to sit back and even consider where I’m triggered, where I need to learn more. There is so much shadow being brought to light this year with lockdowns, the vaxx debate and now the race separation. These are all issues that need to be brought into the public arena and spoken about, truths revealed so we can start waking up from the lies and manipulation we have been functioning under. No conversation is as far overdue as the one we are now having. I’m watching as people I follow and respect on Instagram are saying if you aren’t speaking up you’re part of the problem, but then others are saying to mute your voice and make space for people of colour to have the platform to speak. It’s difficult to discern the best thing to do when you don’t want to offend or make things worse. The messaging is confusing and polarising. I am aware of the projection that is happening so I am constantly reminding myself as I am at times feeling swept up in it all, feeling anxious and emotional, to continue coming back to point zero, staying centred in my own space and energy. I don’t believe that you HAVE to speak up publicly or use your platform to share your position or you are the problem. Bringing awareness to the greater community is powerful work, but it’s not everyone’s role to do that. For some they might not be showing up and sharing their position or what they are doing to learn and change their beliefs and the way they are in the world publicly, but in their life – real life might I add, the life that is going on outside of this screen, the life that matters most – they are calling people out for their racist words, attitudes and actions, and unpacking their biases themselves, maybe they’ve been doing that for years. How people appear online isn’t all that they are. Please remember that.

 

Last night I posted the black square on my page to show my allyship with black and indigenous communities. It wasn’t to silence or mute my page. I’ve woken this morning to see accounts saying it was a psyop and yeah it probably was, and I knew that before posting. I’ve been aware of how quickly this movement has grown in comparison to the many other times injustice has occurred against the black and indigenous communities, particularly how quickly this grew on the tail of COVID-19. Knowing this I posted the black square anyway because for myself it felt right to share it and show my support. Whether it is right or wrong to anyone else is not my issue, I came from and am coming from a place of love and support for the black and indigenous voices who are standing up now. Finally there is a platform and people are taking notice. Before I chose to take it down. I saw how many people from the BIPOC community were upset by the black squares popping up everywhere and so I didn’t want to continue to fuel any frustration or upset they are already feeling. I want to be respectful.

 

I feel so deeply for all that is going on, past, present and future. All that is being brought to light and to the forefront of our awareness. It shouldn’t take brutal death to make that happen. To see this movement grow and take over social media I hope that means those lives were not taken in vain and as the world rises for justice and pushes for change to the injustices people of colour live with and have lived with for centuries brings hope that we are indeed moving into a higher way of being.

 

I studied Indigenous courses for 18 months of my university degree. The pain of the teachers was impossible to look away from. I honoured those women for doing the work they were doing, educating their oppressors. Standing on the floor in front of an auditorium of mostly white students of all ages teaching them a history that contradicted the one we’d been taught at school. What bravery that is. I will always remember one lecturer breaking down in front of us as she told us her daughter was the first child born to her family that was classed as a human being under Australian Law. This was around the time I was born. This hit me so hard. Indigenous people born before that time were recognised in Australia in the same way animals were. They were recognised as part of the flora and fauna. I mean fuck, they are human beings just like you and me, how does that even make sense? I will never be able to get my head or heart around it.

 

In my uni courses we were led to look at and unpack our biases, our conditioning, our beliefs known and unknown, and our lack of true and factual education of indigenous issues, history and culture that would affect our ability to work with and advocate for Indigenous people for the best of their interests. I learned that the history we were taught at school was a white washed bias account of events. It wiped out the truth and horror of what really occurred. It deleted the real history and brain washed us to believe lies. Aboriginal people were tricked into moving to Missions far from their land and people, then having their children ripped away from them to be housed and treated inhumanely, all rights taken away, distanced from their culture and taught the way of the white man. Although I had heard of the stolen generation, I did not understand it fully and I was not aware of the fight Indigenous people were fighting to have it recognised that it even happened. We studied a book written by Ruth Hegarty, an account of her life being raised on the Cherbourg Aboriginal Mission, called Is That You Ruthie? I encourage you to seek it out and read it. In my lectures there were aggressive rage filled arguments. It was shameful and embarrassing to witness. This is how people react when they are confronted with what they have known and believed to be true isn’t truth, it is deeply unsettling. This is how deep our belief systems and conditioning lies. People studying to become social workers and counsellors behaving like this. I believe it would be happening too many right now as the veil of truth is being shared.

 

I have learned that with strong emotions like – anger, shame, feeling uncomfortable, disbelief – opens the space for new learning, for beliefs systems to be reformed. This is a time to lean in to the uncomfortable feelings you may be experiencing. It is an opportunity to change and evolve.

 

As an empathetic white person learning our true history it broke my heart and still does every day. I lost friendships through that time because I couldn’t just sit back knowing what I’d learned and not call people out on their racism. And so much that we just aren’t aware is racist because we have been raised in this country to take the piss out of everyone all in the sake of a joke and a bit of fun. Until the joke is on us of course.

 

The sensitivity and the ownership people in this country have over the date of Australia Day for example. A date that has only been celebrated in the last couple of decades but people have such strong ties to, that they are outright refusing to change it to meet our Indigenous brothers and sisters with love and understanding. I too used to celebrate on that day, until I was aware of just how much pain and heartache it causes our indigenous people. I will not and have not celebrated Australia Day since.

 

Indigenous deaths in custody are far far higher than anyone else. The gap between health statistics of indigenous and the rest of the country is significant. Covid-19 was said to affect Indigenous people 10 years or more younger than the age of the rest of the country because of the existing health issues they suffer. Tin modern times there is just no excuse for it. In a country with so much pride how can it be ok to ignore these issues? Our current Prime Minister can’t even acknowledge it has just been Reconciliation Week. He refused to meet with Aboriginal man Alwyn Doolan just prior to the election who had walked 8500 kilometres to present the Prime Minister with three message sticks. Scott Morrison wouldn’t give him the time of day. Change is something that must be grass roots. We all have to work together and do our bit, but our Government Leaders must set an example. Until the people in power change their position it’s going to continue being like pushing shit up a hill. But we have to keep going, doing our own work and be the change ourselves. Educate yourself on our history. The laws that were and are in place that separate. Read the stories of Indigenous people. I truly believe that if you educate yourself on the truth of our history you cannot possibly continue through life without checking your racist conditioning and wanting to do better for our indigenous communities. If you do, what type of human being are you?

 

I haven’t closed my eyes or turned away. Once your eyes are open they are open, and that is what I hope is what happens for everyone once the media and deep state decide to change topics for the next part of the agenda.

 

Australia was founded on white supremacy. You cannot be white and bred in this country and not have racist beliefs. It’s impossible. And until we are prepared to be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that shadow part of ourselves, we will continue to perpetrate the problem.

 

Our work as caring and kind members of the human race is to treat every person no matter their colour or culture with love and the same respect we would our closest and dearest. Because we ARE one. Inside we are all the same energy. We just each chose to come into this life wearing different suits.

 

I ask you to please realise your biases and your conditioning because if you don’t do the work you are passing your beliefs knowingly or unknowingly to your children and that is where the cycle of separation continues. Our children don’t see difference, they learn it. They learn to hate from being taught. Please model the right way to them. Read them Indigenous stories, there are many out there. Indigenous culture is beautiful. We have so much to learn from it. How terribly wrong our forefathers were to think their way of life was better. You only have to look at was is happening to the land to see that.

I’m not expecting that I got this right. I’m sharing my voice completely with love and respect.

I love you x

Lessons I learned through my 30s

As 2019 was drawing to a close I began reflecting on the past decade and some of the lessons I had learned. The years from 2010 – 2019 saw me through my 30s.
I shed my skin, so to speak, quite a few times and through those experiences I learned so many valuable lessons. Some of them were really hard while I was in it, and involved some really dark periods. However as I look back, I am so grateful for all those experiences, without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Here are my reflections ….

From beginning to end this decade has ripped me open and put me back together (somewhat) a few times. I’ve learned many lessons, made many mistakes, stayed in situations well past their used by date, released relationships that weren’t supportive, aimed high, got caught in the tide, followed the crowd and lost my way.

Also, I have made some really great choices, taken many leaps of faith, honoured myself by following my instinct, connected and reconnected with really wonderfully, beautiful people, did the personal work that led me to meeting the most gorgeous man, watched one baby grow his wings and is almost ready to fly while another has been born, and learned that being still, not having everything mapped is OK.

I’ve learned… you can know someone for 5 minutes and know them better than someone you’ve known your whole life. That people can be really disappointing and yet some can be unexpectedly kind.

I’ve learned… disappointment comes from your own expectations. That when you let go of expectations not a lot disappoints you anymore.

I’ve learned… you don’t know what you don’t know, and we are all just operating from within our own scope of experience and conditioning. That no one is right or wrong. That people usually mean well and don’t mean to offend. That judgement is on you, not another.

I’ve learned… open communication is better than wasting energy and creating anxiety wondering why someone has/hasn’t done something or if you’ve somehow upset them. That if you allow someone to treat you a certain way once without speaking up, you then become an active participant showing them it’s ok to do that until you say no more.

I’ve learned… no matter how ‘conscious’, ‘educated’, or ‘spiritual’ you think you are, you know far less than you believe you do, and to use that term as a label is a great example of that. That mastering your ego is tough and not one person on this planet has theirs fully in check.

I’ve learned… no matter what heartbreaks and challenges are thrown at you, you will survive.

I’ve learned… life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you – every situation is an opportunity to learn, grow, evolve – choosing to be a victim (especially long term) keeps you small and prevents you from living a full life. Every decision you make is a choice and the consequences are your responsibility. No matter what is going on with you there is always someone coping with worse.

I’ve also learned… you are entitled to a pity party every so often. Just don’t unpack and stay there.

I’ve learned… sometimes the best release you can give yourself is going for a solo drive in the car, turning the music up loud and screaming F*CK (and other things) as loud as your voice box will allow you to.

I’ve learned… kindness should always come first. That everyone has things going on, some wear it for everyone to see, but most don’t.

I’ve learned… if you want to be healthy, fit and toned you have to move every day, eat less, reduce carbs, fuel your body with nourishing, simple foods and healthy fats and unless you have the spare money to employ someone to slap that biscuit out of your hand and kick your arse to move… it’s all up to you.

I’ve learned… when you need help, ask. People WANT to help you, support you and love on you, but unless you ask they don’t know you need it.

I’ve learned… being truthful is one of the best traits you can have. That is – speaking your truth with kindness, living your truth, and honouring others for doing the same for themselves. Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business and other people’s feelings are for them to feel.

I’ve learned… no one is better than the next. That where you live, how much money, education, friends, family, material possessions, likes and Instagram followers you have; whether you’ve travelled the whole earth or stayed in the one place your entire life; whether you eat meat, some meat, fake meat or no meat; whether you use chemicals to clean and pharmaceuticals only for your health or essential oils and more natural approaches, doesn’t matter – because all of it is an illusion. When the day comes we all become dust in the earth.

I’ve learned… we know nothing. That life is full of distractions and diversions and that there is more at play than we could ever fathom. That the most important thing we can do in our life is to love openly with your full heart and to allow yourself to receive love back.

I’m grateful for this decade, for all its lessons, for all the people who have come and gone, and I am looking forward to the next one being more people-focussed rather than career-focussed, simpler and full of a whole lot more FUN!

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When Sharing Your Voice is Frightening

“Anyone that believes this type of rubbish must be a few beers short of a six pack, oh and yes “if the boot fits”.”

This is part of a comment left on a post I shared yesterday on my personal Facebook page by a person I know.

The comment didn’t upset me, nor did it bother me that the person straight after writing it blocked me – I am thankful, I appreciate them creating a space for someone who is interested in engaging in open dialogue to enter my life.

I have been feeling deeply called for some time now to step out of the cocoon I have built since Osian was born. A place that has felt safe and reliable, quiet and familiar. Recent events have turned the volume up to a point I can no longer ignore.

Exposing more of myself, the clunky parts that don’t follow the crowd, is challenging. I feel vulnerable. I feel nervous. I feel exposed. I physically feel nauseous, and sometimes I feel a tightening in my chest that forces me to breathe deeply for it to clear.

It’s not coming easily to share these parts of myself. These aren’t just parts of myself, rather they are my essence.

Not everyone is going to align with it, which is absolutely a great thing! It is my belief that exposure to varied points of view are what open the space for us to learn, try on new thoughts, and expand our thinking.

My humanly desire to be liked and loved by all is a challenge that often holds me back from sharing myself uninhibited. My beliefs and view of the world isn’t what mainstream pushes us to think, feel, be, believe, and to share is exposing myself to ridicule and low level attacks like I did receive, rather than intelligent conversation or debate, which I’m totally up for. My opinions and views are flexible and open discussion offers a way to see things in a light I may not have considered before.

We can’t control how people receive us or our message, and sometimes that’s hard to wear. It can feel safer to hold back and say nothing.

How can I desire to reignite and build my coaching career, asking people to be confident in shining their own light, when I am holding back from shining my own?

The muscles of resilience and confidence require flexing to strengthen.

The feeling I receive when my clients have broken through a limiting belief or tried something they had been lacking in confidence to do, is indescribable.

I am thankful for the beautiful friends I can lean on to remind me of the promises I’ve made to myself, to remind me my voice is worthy to share and that it is more than ok to add my piece to the greater conversation.

All our voices are important and I believe there has never been a more significant time in our lifetime that has called for more people asking questions and sharing their truth.

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It takes courage to honour yourself first

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. Brene Brown

There is something incredibly expansive that follows making a decision to end something.

You feel a flutter in your chest over your heartspace and in your gut.
A knowing in your heart it was the right thing simultaneous with a fear in your abdomen of, what now?

Over the years I’ve let go of serious relationships, businesses, friendships, jobs and with them identities.

Each time it has come with a struggle, a knowing deep down it was meant to be but just not being ready, too afraid of letting go, saying goodbye and walking into the unknown.

Every time I’ve made that final choice to end and move on magic is created in the space that remains.
A new opportunity I would never have noticed or considered before has come my way. Richer friendships or relationships have begun that would have been missed.

I watched the Brené Brown talk on Netflix yesterday, and found myself with tears throughout. Because I’ve dared greatly at times when it would have been easier to stay where I was.

I believe it takes courage to honour yourself first, to wear the consequence of your choice – both good and not so good.

What I have always known to be true is you have one life, and if you are drowning and miserable, and you’ve given it all of you’ve got with no improvement, it could be time to walk away.

Life is too precious and fleeting to feel that way, even at the expense sometimes of hurting someone else.

In the midst of the turmoil before the end I ask myself, when I’m 80 how will I view this situation? And with my answer I’m guided.

Dare greatly friends, jump if you must. Trust that your leap of faith will be supported. Initially it may hurt. But the beauty that will unfold for you in time will be more than worth it.

Showing up despite social anxiety

I’ve felt awkward in almost all situations I’ve been in my whole life. Like I don’t fit in, like I’m just not quite the same as the people I’m with, and that because of that I feel like people don’t quite like me.

It’s a feeling possibly best described as misfiring, as in I’m present but that no one quite SEES ME. 

This has held me back in so many ways.

I’ve used drugs and alcohol at different stages of my life to mask the uncomfortableness and give me some sort of courage, alter ego even.

I’ve stayed in terrible relationships for far too long for fear of being alone, until staying is just too unbearable. 

I’ve hidden behind my son at many, many functions, to not be exposed.

I’ve used my job as a barrier between me and my client to avoid exposing my insecurities. 

I’ve cancelled going to many events last minute because the anxiety of going was too much to bare. 

Going to an event alone means summoning courage from deep down, going means knowing deep within my soul that I have to be there, and then I feel awkward as hell.

Most people probably don’t know any of this about me. Just like many people who live with social anxiety, I’ve become pretty good at being aloof, faking it so you can’t see the anxiousness under my facade. 

Stepping out into the social media world and building an online business is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I have nothing to hide behind (ok well there’s my computer & product) but what this platform requires of me is to show you ME.

Authenticity, integrity, truth, honesty, being real are traits I hold of most importance and so I felt to share this with you so you may see a bit of what’s under my posts, and I hope it can give some of you who feel this too the chance to exhale and know you are not alone.

The above is a post I shared to my social media channels yesterday. The responses I have received have been beautiful. So many women, some I have known personally, some I do not know have shared they also feel the same way.

IMG_6849I read a quote a friend shared on Instagram recently by Glennon Doyle which I felt was a beautiful reminder of how cliquey women can be, but it made me think it’s not usually about exclusion which our default may have us believe, but more I feel it is about the fear of ourselves stepping out of our comfort zone to reach to someone we don’t know.

Perhaps there is an awe, an intimidation even, of seeing a woman attending an event alone that we feel she is strong and confident and not a match for us while we are attempting to hold our mask firmly so it may not slip and show how fragile we really are underneath.

I’ve been that woman at an event alone, trying to blend and not be too obviously on my own. What I’ve noticed in those situations is often the lack of eye contact, or the looks up and down, or the small gesture of a smile as they turn away. As an introvert, it has taken all my strength at times to not just walk out, but instead to take a deep breath in and out, readjust my mask of confidence and stand strong.

Approaching a group or another person who is alone can summon up a lot of courage, there’s a whole lot of inner conversation going on – a battle between my mind of reason and my mind of fear. It is sheer determination and will that sees reason win… mostly.

As I’ve gotten older and the personal development study I have soaked in has grown, I have learned that other people’s reactions to you are a direct indication of where they are at with themselves, and that often – if we allow ourselves to go there – can be a mirror of how WE feel about ourselves. As we begin to love ourselves as our best friend and really do the work to dispel the negative thoughts and chatter going on in our minds these situations lessen, our confidence grows, or at least our thoughts no longer have the power to control us and hold us back.

So, and this is advice I am giving myself… do that thing you want to do, even if it means going alone; say hello to the woman on her own and include her in your circle – at any given moment you could be her; consciously and actively switch the language you are using with yourself to be what you would say to your best friend; and most importantly love yourself – for you are unique, you are beautiful, and you are not alone.

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10 books I recommend for a self confidence boost:

  • Mastering Your Mean Girl, Melissa Ambrosini
  • You Do You, Sarah Knight
  • The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle
  • Daring Greatly, Brené Brown
  • Rise Sister Rise, Rebecca Campbell
  • A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson
  • You are Enough, Cassie Mendoza-Jones
  • Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Judgment Detox, Gabrielle Bernstein
  • Conversations with God, Neale Donald Walsh