Transcript of IGTV video 3rd June, 2020

I’m not expecting I got this right…

I’ve had so many emotions and thoughts hanging in my mind and body over the last few days. The best way I know how to release them is write it out. I had no intention of sharing what came from that. I had no intention of sharing my personal thoughts or add more noise to the black lives matter and Indigenous lives matter conversation. But after writing I realised I have a voice here, and if I share this perhaps I’ll reach one person or two with an alternative perspective that facilitates them doing the work to unpack their privilege and biases. Checking my own privilege is a privilege in itself I’m realising. Having the space to sit back and even consider where I’m triggered, where I need to learn more. There is so much shadow being brought to light this year with lockdowns, the vaxx debate and now the race separation. These are all issues that need to be brought into the public arena and spoken about, truths revealed so we can start waking up from the lies and manipulation we have been functioning under. No conversation is as far overdue as the one we are now having. I’m watching as people I follow and respect on Instagram are saying if you aren’t speaking up you’re part of the problem, but then others are saying to mute your voice and make space for people of colour to have the platform to speak. It’s difficult to discern the best thing to do when you don’t want to offend or make things worse. The messaging is confusing and polarising. I am aware of the projection that is happening so I am constantly reminding myself as I am at times feeling swept up in it all, feeling anxious and emotional, to continue coming back to point zero, staying centred in my own space and energy. I don’t believe that you HAVE to speak up publicly or use your platform to share your position or you are the problem. Bringing awareness to the greater community is powerful work, but it’s not everyone’s role to do that. For some they might not be showing up and sharing their position or what they are doing to learn and change their beliefs and the way they are in the world publicly, but in their life – real life might I add, the life that is going on outside of this screen, the life that matters most – they are calling people out for their racist words, attitudes and actions, and unpacking their biases themselves, maybe they’ve been doing that for years. How people appear online isn’t all that they are. Please remember that.

 

Last night I posted the black square on my page to show my allyship with black and indigenous communities. It wasn’t to silence or mute my page. I’ve woken this morning to see accounts saying it was a psyop and yeah it probably was, and I knew that before posting. I’ve been aware of how quickly this movement has grown in comparison to the many other times injustice has occurred against the black and indigenous communities, particularly how quickly this grew on the tail of COVID-19. Knowing this I posted the black square anyway because for myself it felt right to share it and show my support. Whether it is right or wrong to anyone else is not my issue, I came from and am coming from a place of love and support for the black and indigenous voices who are standing up now. Finally there is a platform and people are taking notice. Before I chose to take it down. I saw how many people from the BIPOC community were upset by the black squares popping up everywhere and so I didn’t want to continue to fuel any frustration or upset they are already feeling. I want to be respectful.

 

I feel so deeply for all that is going on, past, present and future. All that is being brought to light and to the forefront of our awareness. It shouldn’t take brutal death to make that happen. To see this movement grow and take over social media I hope that means those lives were not taken in vain and as the world rises for justice and pushes for change to the injustices people of colour live with and have lived with for centuries brings hope that we are indeed moving into a higher way of being.

 

I studied Indigenous courses for 18 months of my university degree. The pain of the teachers was impossible to look away from. I honoured those women for doing the work they were doing, educating their oppressors. Standing on the floor in front of an auditorium of mostly white students of all ages teaching them a history that contradicted the one we’d been taught at school. What bravery that is. I will always remember one lecturer breaking down in front of us as she told us her daughter was the first child born to her family that was classed as a human being under Australian Law. This was around the time I was born. This hit me so hard. Indigenous people born before that time were recognised in Australia in the same way animals were. They were recognised as part of the flora and fauna. I mean fuck, they are human beings just like you and me, how does that even make sense? I will never be able to get my head or heart around it.

 

In my uni courses we were led to look at and unpack our biases, our conditioning, our beliefs known and unknown, and our lack of true and factual education of indigenous issues, history and culture that would affect our ability to work with and advocate for Indigenous people for the best of their interests. I learned that the history we were taught at school was a white washed bias account of events. It wiped out the truth and horror of what really occurred. It deleted the real history and brain washed us to believe lies. Aboriginal people were tricked into moving to Missions far from their land and people, then having their children ripped away from them to be housed and treated inhumanely, all rights taken away, distanced from their culture and taught the way of the white man. Although I had heard of the stolen generation, I did not understand it fully and I was not aware of the fight Indigenous people were fighting to have it recognised that it even happened. We studied a book written by Ruth Hegarty, an account of her life being raised on the Cherbourg Aboriginal Mission, called Is That You Ruthie? I encourage you to seek it out and read it. In my lectures there were aggressive rage filled arguments. It was shameful and embarrassing to witness. This is how people react when they are confronted with what they have known and believed to be true isn’t truth, it is deeply unsettling. This is how deep our belief systems and conditioning lies. People studying to become social workers and counsellors behaving like this. I believe it would be happening too many right now as the veil of truth is being shared.

 

I have learned that with strong emotions like – anger, shame, feeling uncomfortable, disbelief – opens the space for new learning, for beliefs systems to be reformed. This is a time to lean in to the uncomfortable feelings you may be experiencing. It is an opportunity to change and evolve.

 

As an empathetic white person learning our true history it broke my heart and still does every day. I lost friendships through that time because I couldn’t just sit back knowing what I’d learned and not call people out on their racism. And so much that we just aren’t aware is racist because we have been raised in this country to take the piss out of everyone all in the sake of a joke and a bit of fun. Until the joke is on us of course.

 

The sensitivity and the ownership people in this country have over the date of Australia Day for example. A date that has only been celebrated in the last couple of decades but people have such strong ties to, that they are outright refusing to change it to meet our Indigenous brothers and sisters with love and understanding. I too used to celebrate on that day, until I was aware of just how much pain and heartache it causes our indigenous people. I will not and have not celebrated Australia Day since.

 

Indigenous deaths in custody are far far higher than anyone else. The gap between health statistics of indigenous and the rest of the country is significant. Covid-19 was said to affect Indigenous people 10 years or more younger than the age of the rest of the country because of the existing health issues they suffer. Tin modern times there is just no excuse for it. In a country with so much pride how can it be ok to ignore these issues? Our current Prime Minister can’t even acknowledge it has just been Reconciliation Week. He refused to meet with Aboriginal man Alwyn Doolan just prior to the election who had walked 8500 kilometres to present the Prime Minister with three message sticks. Scott Morrison wouldn’t give him the time of day. Change is something that must be grass roots. We all have to work together and do our bit, but our Government Leaders must set an example. Until the people in power change their position it’s going to continue being like pushing shit up a hill. But we have to keep going, doing our own work and be the change ourselves. Educate yourself on our history. The laws that were and are in place that separate. Read the stories of Indigenous people. I truly believe that if you educate yourself on the truth of our history you cannot possibly continue through life without checking your racist conditioning and wanting to do better for our indigenous communities. If you do, what type of human being are you?

 

I haven’t closed my eyes or turned away. Once your eyes are open they are open, and that is what I hope is what happens for everyone once the media and deep state decide to change topics for the next part of the agenda.

 

Australia was founded on white supremacy. You cannot be white and bred in this country and not have racist beliefs. It’s impossible. And until we are prepared to be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that shadow part of ourselves, we will continue to perpetrate the problem.

 

Our work as caring and kind members of the human race is to treat every person no matter their colour or culture with love and the same respect we would our closest and dearest. Because we ARE one. Inside we are all the same energy. We just each chose to come into this life wearing different suits.

 

I ask you to please realise your biases and your conditioning because if you don’t do the work you are passing your beliefs knowingly or unknowingly to your children and that is where the cycle of separation continues. Our children don’t see difference, they learn it. They learn to hate from being taught. Please model the right way to them. Read them Indigenous stories, there are many out there. Indigenous culture is beautiful. We have so much to learn from it. How terribly wrong our forefathers were to think their way of life was better. You only have to look at was is happening to the land to see that.

I’m not expecting that I got this right. I’m sharing my voice completely with love and respect.

I love you x

How to Live Your Best Life While Healing From a Controlling Relationship

Finding your dream partner feels like it’s almost an impossible dream when you’re still healing from the aftermath of a controlling relationship. This is how I rose through it and met the love of my life.

This journal entry is inspired from a girlfriend asking me recently what were the processes I used or how did I get to the point of moving on from and letting go of the pain, hurt and most of all the control I experienced from my relationship with my eldest son’s father, to be where I am now. This information is my personal story and how I moved through it as consciously as I could. My approach might not suit everyone, my hope though is that someone will find what I share supportive.

The Back Story

My son’s father and I began our relationship in high school, I was in year 10 and he was in year 12. We had a tumultuous relationship, to put it mildly. From the get go we were two very different people, particularly in how we viewed the world. Really early on I began pushing away the things I believed in that didn’t align with his beliefs to make life easier and so that he would still like me. As a teenage girl I was so desperate to be liked and loved that I put my true self in a box to fit the mould of what I thought I had to be to be accepted. Over time he took hold of a lot of aspects of my life. I spent all my time with him and when I wasn’t with him, I was at home waiting for him. When we were together I hardly ever saw my friends. We were on/off for 9 years. I’m not going to go too deeply into the ins and outs of what occurred in our relationship, there was a lot. A LOT.

I will share though that after leaving him for good when our son was 10 months old, the control I experienced from him was intense, and this lasted another 10 years. It resulted in two DVOs (Domestic Violence Protection Orders) to create boundaries and a safety net for myself. I was terrified of him, not that I thought he would physically harm me or my son, but the emotional and psychological control he had over me for such a long time was severe. My friends, my work colleagues, my family saw it all, and that was so shameful for me to be exposed that way. I did my best to shield my son from most of it but he saw a lot too.

Throughout all of this, and despite it, I built a really successful professional career. I went on dates, and had a couple of relationships, but almost all of the men I had relationships with messed with my mind and emotions in really crappy ways.

For 6 months I was in a relationship with a guy I had met at uni. When we broke up I found out he had also been in a relationship with someone else the entire time. I had no idea! That messed with me really badly, how could he even manage that? We spent so much time together?! After that I reconnected with someone I had dated years earlier, while we were together he went on a trip overseas and met someone else! Then I dated a really nice guy, a friend of friends of mine. I really liked him, and he told me he really liked me too. Then, when we had been together for around four months his ex-girlfriend moved back to town and he went back to her! After years of being mostly single I met a man I call ‘the relationship monkey’. He swung from relationship to relationship with very little break between. We even ended up engaged before we parted ways. He hadn’t done any personal work on his heartbreaks, he instead blamed all those before me for those relationships failing. What a trip that one was! I had a mental breakdown in the midst of that. There was a lot of mind fucking that went on there too.

The list goes on. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up! It was 12 years of heartbreak after heartbreak.

Eventually one random night, last minute plans with a girlfriend to go to her local sports club, somewhere I would never usually go, I met my now partner. He was almost none of the things I was consciously looking for, and yet everything I was subconsciously looking for and needing. I had created a list of what I was looking for in a guy – a list of MUST haves and MUST HAVE NOTs. As explained I’d dated some doozies so I was being very clear on what I did and didn’t want in my life.

Once we got together none of that mattered, and I realised that all those clichés people say to you when you’re single, you know like “when you know, you know”, “he’ll come along when you least expect it, or when you’re not looking”, “when the time is right, he’ll be there”, etc. were spot on!

I always believed in my heart that there was the perfect man out there for me. And there was, he is.

This belief is what kept me going, kept me getting back up brushing myself off and trying again. I believed in love. Most of all I always knew that the failed attempts at love were to prepare me for when I did meet the one.

I’ve said to my partner, had I not had those experiences I don’t feel like I would appreciate him like I do.

What I was most proud of was that I kept my heart open. Or so I thought.

Not long before I met my partner, I asked myself “Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men?” My answer, “Because you, yourself are emotionally unavailable”.

I thought I was open, but in truth all those experiences along with belief systems I’d been carrying from childhood and beyond was holding me back from a healthy,  mutually supportive, relationship free from control.

The Work I did to Heal

Over the years I did a lot of things to help me move through and release traumas and belief systems that were holding me back. I’ve always said self-development once you start is a train you can never get off. That once you peel back one layer, just like an onion, there is another one underneath. And just like cutting an onion, shedding the layers mostly comes with tears!

I did A LOT of journaling. I used oracle cards to support myself. I love the way the message you receive with oracle cards is often so on point and timely. I find them to be such a great support, particularly when I’m emotionally fragile. I saw counsellors and psychologists. I leaned on my girlfriends. I saw energy healers of modalities from Kinesiology, Holographic Kinetics, Reiki, Access Bars, Bowen Therapy, meditation, and more. I used affirmations and prayer daily, because while my self-esteem was being knocked about so violently on the outside I learned that ultimately my inner peace is up to me.

One of the most powerful self practises I did was to forgive. Forgiveness of the person and their actions and behaviours, and most importantly forgiveness of myself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened wasn’t hurtful, or even ok. Forgiveness allows you to release the hold that person and their actions and behaviours have on you, and also releases you from any of the emotions you may have toward yourself for your part in what happened. Because ultimately relationships are a two way street, and I know for myself once I engaged in this practise I realised there was a lot I was blaming myself for, a lot of shame I was carrying for allowing things to go on for so long and for getting as bad as they did before leaving, etc. etc.

The way I found the most supportive for the practise of forgiveness was to write a letter. It began, “Dear …., I forgive you for…..” Once I wrote the letter I burnt it, which is symbolic for letting go.

Now for the most part this wasn’t a do-it-once-and-it’s-all-over type of thing. I have written many letters over time, and still do. Because remember the onion story from earlier? There are many layers to forgiveness too, and as you go through your life and have other experiences, which don’t just have to be of the romantic kind, you will be triggered and the feelings you are still (possibly unknowingly) holding onto will rise again in other ways and other situations until you are completely healed from that hurt or belief.

If this were to happen for you, if you are triggered by a person or event and you just can’t put your finger on why or what it is, I like to journal. The term is called automatic writing. You put pen to paper and begin by writing, “What is it that is bothering me” (or whichever question you would like answered) and you keep writing every thought that comes to mind. It might even be “I don’t know what to write, or why am I doing this”, stay with it and as you keep writing (without judging what is written, allow it to flow from you onto the paper) eventually you will reach the root of what is upsetting you. This may be enough or it could be the catalyst for another letter(s) of forgiveness.

If you find these practices aren’t helping you to let go and move on, I just can’t recommend holistic therapies highly enough. Kinesiology, Holographic Kinetics and Time Line Therapy are powerful for releasing our trauma and negative belief patterns. Please make sure you seek out a therapist you have a connection with or is recommended to you.

Most of all, I kept living my life. I kept showing up. I kept saying, “Yes”. I followed my curiosity and I did the things that brought ME joy. I lived for myself (and my son), by my rules.

Takeaways

I know there are people going through this right now that may be reading this piece. I want you to know that this isn’t how it’s always going to be for you. How you get through this though is up to you. If you choose to see this as happening to you, rather than for you – it’s going to be a much longer and harder recovery.

If instead you choose to learn the lessons from your experience, allow yourself to go inward and enquire, “What do I need to learn here”, you will grow, your life will expand and you will prepare yourself to be in the space and energy you are required to be to meet the person you may wish to settle with. As I shared earlier, I believe had I met my partner years earlier I would not have been able to match his frequency, and he says the same to me for where he was at previous to us meeting.

Live your life for you without the end goal being to meet someone. When you are living your best life wholly and solely for you, one day you will look up and there they will be. But if your focus is on living your life to meet the one, you are missing a whole lot of life in the meantime. This is time that doesn’t come back.

In hindsight, my single years were such a gift. I had the opportunity to really get to know myself, to do things I may not have tried had I been in a partnership needing to consider how my choices would affect my partner.

Trust and have faith that what you’re seeking is coming, then let it go. Know that you are worthy, that you are enough, that you are fucking incredible, and that you don’t need a partner to get through your life – a partner is just the icing on the cake of life.

I love this quote by Oprah, “Step out of the history that is holding you back. Step into the new story you are willing to create”.

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I guide you gently back to yourself.

Through our lifetimes we pick up many coats of armour. We  wear them for protection to safeguard us from repeating our past hurts. The impact of this, although allowing us to feel safe, limits us from living full and vibrant lives.

I use a variety of modalities uniquely weaved together for whatever your soul requires to release your limiting beliefs and move through your pains and traumas to unlock a life full of possibilities.

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Lessons I learned through my 30s

As 2019 was drawing to a close I began reflecting on the past decade and some of the lessons I had learned. The years from 2010 – 2019 saw me through my 30s.
I shed my skin, so to speak, quite a few times and through those experiences I learned so many valuable lessons. Some of them were really hard while I was in it, and involved some really dark periods. However as I look back, I am so grateful for all those experiences, without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Here are my reflections ….

From beginning to end this decade has ripped me open and put me back together (somewhat) a few times. I’ve learned many lessons, made many mistakes, stayed in situations well past their used by date, released relationships that weren’t supportive, aimed high, got caught in the tide, followed the crowd and lost my way.

Also, I have made some really great choices, taken many leaps of faith, honoured myself by following my instinct, connected and reconnected with really wonderfully, beautiful people, did the personal work that led me to meeting the most gorgeous man, watched one baby grow his wings and is almost ready to fly while another has been born, and learned that being still, not having everything mapped is OK.

I’ve learned… you can know someone for 5 minutes and know them better than someone you’ve known your whole life. That people can be really disappointing and yet some can be unexpectedly kind.

I’ve learned… disappointment comes from your own expectations. That when you let go of expectations not a lot disappoints you anymore.

I’ve learned… you don’t know what you don’t know, and we are all just operating from within our own scope of experience and conditioning. That no one is right or wrong. That people usually mean well and don’t mean to offend. That judgement is on you, not another.

I’ve learned… open communication is better than wasting energy and creating anxiety wondering why someone has/hasn’t done something or if you’ve somehow upset them. That if you allow someone to treat you a certain way once without speaking up, you then become an active participant showing them it’s ok to do that until you say no more.

I’ve learned… no matter how ‘conscious’, ‘educated’, or ‘spiritual’ you think you are, you know far less than you believe you do, and to use that term as a label is a great example of that. That mastering your ego is tough and not one person on this planet has theirs fully in check.

I’ve learned… no matter what heartbreaks and challenges are thrown at you, you will survive.

I’ve learned… life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you – every situation is an opportunity to learn, grow, evolve – choosing to be a victim (especially long term) keeps you small and prevents you from living a full life. Every decision you make is a choice and the consequences are your responsibility. No matter what is going on with you there is always someone coping with worse.

I’ve also learned… you are entitled to a pity party every so often. Just don’t unpack and stay there.

I’ve learned… sometimes the best release you can give yourself is going for a solo drive in the car, turning the music up loud and screaming F*CK (and other things) as loud as your voice box will allow you to.

I’ve learned… kindness should always come first. That everyone has things going on, some wear it for everyone to see, but most don’t.

I’ve learned… if you want to be healthy, fit and toned you have to move every day, eat less, reduce carbs, fuel your body with nourishing, simple foods and healthy fats and unless you have the spare money to employ someone to slap that biscuit out of your hand and kick your arse to move… it’s all up to you.

I’ve learned… when you need help, ask. People WANT to help you, support you and love on you, but unless you ask they don’t know you need it.

I’ve learned… being truthful is one of the best traits you can have. That is – speaking your truth with kindness, living your truth, and honouring others for doing the same for themselves. Other people’s opinion of you is none of your business and other people’s feelings are for them to feel.

I’ve learned… no one is better than the next. That where you live, how much money, education, friends, family, material possessions, likes and Instagram followers you have; whether you’ve travelled the whole earth or stayed in the one place your entire life; whether you eat meat, some meat, fake meat or no meat; whether you use chemicals to clean and pharmaceuticals only for your health or essential oils and more natural approaches, doesn’t matter – because all of it is an illusion. When the day comes we all become dust in the earth.

I’ve learned… we know nothing. That life is full of distractions and diversions and that there is more at play than we could ever fathom. That the most important thing we can do in our life is to love openly with your full heart and to allow yourself to receive love back.

I’m grateful for this decade, for all its lessons, for all the people who have come and gone, and I am looking forward to the next one being more people-focussed rather than career-focussed, simpler and full of a whole lot more FUN!

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When Sharing Your Voice is Frightening

“Anyone that believes this type of rubbish must be a few beers short of a six pack, oh and yes “if the boot fits”.”

This is part of a comment left on a post I shared yesterday on my personal Facebook page by a person I know.

The comment didn’t upset me, nor did it bother me that the person straight after writing it blocked me – I am thankful, I appreciate them creating a space for someone who is interested in engaging in open dialogue to enter my life.

I have been feeling deeply called for some time now to step out of the cocoon I have built since Osian was born. A place that has felt safe and reliable, quiet and familiar. Recent events have turned the volume up to a point I can no longer ignore.

Exposing more of myself, the clunky parts that don’t follow the crowd, is challenging. I feel vulnerable. I feel nervous. I feel exposed. I physically feel nauseous, and sometimes I feel a tightening in my chest that forces me to breathe deeply for it to clear.

It’s not coming easily to share these parts of myself. These aren’t just parts of myself, rather they are my essence.

Not everyone is going to align with it, which is absolutely a great thing! It is my belief that exposure to varied points of view are what open the space for us to learn, try on new thoughts, and expand our thinking.

My humanly desire to be liked and loved by all is a challenge that often holds me back from sharing myself uninhibited. My beliefs and view of the world isn’t what mainstream pushes us to think, feel, be, believe, and to share is exposing myself to ridicule and low level attacks like I did receive, rather than intelligent conversation or debate, which I’m totally up for. My opinions and views are flexible and open discussion offers a way to see things in a light I may not have considered before.

We can’t control how people receive us or our message, and sometimes that’s hard to wear. It can feel safer to hold back and say nothing.

How can I desire to reignite and build my coaching career, asking people to be confident in shining their own light, when I am holding back from shining my own?

The muscles of resilience and confidence require flexing to strengthen.

The feeling I receive when my clients have broken through a limiting belief or tried something they had been lacking in confidence to do, is indescribable.

I am thankful for the beautiful friends I can lean on to remind me of the promises I’ve made to myself, to remind me my voice is worthy to share and that it is more than ok to add my piece to the greater conversation.

All our voices are important and I believe there has never been a more significant time in our lifetime that has called for more people asking questions and sharing their truth.

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